I keep spinning the wheel but it always hits one

 I disabled my facebook at the right time.  It was when my peers were graduating while I was unemployed and dropped out of school.  While I did nothing, and had no prospects of doing anything.  My experiences for potential employers include five years at a movie theater (do not contact), one month at Macy's (Supervisor's Name: The fuck should I know?), half a year at Zoup, making sandwiches which were practically already made.  This I found out when I got a real job as a cook.

Word of advice: Never apply to be a cook.  I have never hated a job as much as I hated that one, and I got paid the same as I did when I stood in one spot and tore pieces of paper.  And no gloves there.  Nope, just stick your hands right into that beef and sausage and toss it on that pizza.  Oh go ahead and toss me that dough you just shaped into a circle, whoops it fell on the ground.  Guess I'm a fucking moron, shoulda known that's how a kitchen works three shifts in.

And that alcoholic owner's son who ran the place.  What a fuck.  Fifth shift and I was working alone on a weekday afternoon.  Well, people eat lunch, so I had to make meals for all of them.  And here is what else, I wasn't taught how to make all of the meals.  I still never learned to make the lasagnas.

You know how one is supposed to learn the recipes, the very large amount of recipes?  By reading a mini-menu that is the same menu customers get when they order food.  Boy, "delicious melted provolone cheese", and what the fuck else do I do?  How many meatballs in this fucking thing, do you have a prep list made, you shouldn't be making that sauce, you are almost off the clock, it's too late to make the sauce, hey why was nothing fucking made yesterday afternoon, we ran out of sauce and almost everything else, what exactly did you do all day.

The last quote was from a coworker.  I was shaking so badly I fucked up the next three orders.  I felt so sick that day he referred to, but there was so much to be done I worked non stop, making orders until that alcoholic moron yells at me for not making enough orders at the same time, or not cooking everything in one order at exactly the same time or...

And when I clean everything up I start prepping, I do things as well as I can, nearly vomiting, and having no problem with producing waste from the other end.  Washing my hands took too much time too.

Why didn't you do dough, you didn't cook the meat long enough, you made too many wings.

WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU FUCKING DO YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.

What exactly have I been doing yesterday x4 years.  I didn't have to stay home after high school.  But I did, until I realized I should have been going to this other school so I transferred, but transferring is like moving schools in high school, you won't make any friends.  All the cliques are formed.  There isn't room for you.  At least you don't think so.

Leaving your dorm room door open playing music and noodling around, hoping someone will come in, someone will talk to you, someone will initiate.

But I wouldn't, in the same situation.  I would think, they left the door open so someone would come in and talk to them, but not me.  They don't mean me.  And when the self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness and alienation comes to fruition in the place that was supposed to change your life, well, it's enough to do some powerful things to you.

And so I failed out, well kind of.  I'm not sure I never even checked really.  I just dropped out and gave up on any kind of plan.  I didn't want to borrow any more money from my fathers pension, I didn't want to have to succeed so that an investment paid off.

I wish I hadn't taken any of that money.  I wish I could have taken out more loans so we didn't have to come up with it ourselves.  I wish I'd stayed home and finished there.  I wish I could have picked a major and stuck with it.

But that isn't me.  And it never will be.

So who is me.  A newspaper deliverer?  The person who follows the one who is living their dream.  At least I have that.  At least dreams can be fulfilled.

I haven't eaten more than 1000 calories in two and a half days, I'm really not this depressed.  Don't worry about me.  I just thought this would make a good blog post.  For those of us who aren't on societies year-by-year checklist.  For those of us who keep spinning ones.