The moment Charlie had waited for had finally arrived. The Asian (Charlie, like most Westerners, was ignorant to any signs that would point to the specific region of Asia this woman descended from) waitress had finally brought the check with two fortune cookies resting on top of the tray that held the check. He noticed only one slip of paper, meaning he would pay the whole bill instead of going through the awkward splitting that could prolong this encounter any longer.
“Already that time huh?” said his dinner companion Stephanie. This dinner was a favor for his best friend, who had just began dating Stephanie. Charlie was dismayed at this decision. The reason he was so upset was that, if people outside of movies/comics/this century still had moral enemies, Stephanie would be it. His best friend, Michael, knew this and was perhaps, as Charlie suspected, initially attracted to her because of that fact.
Charlie would have to date his sister to pay him back, truly, for this dinner. It was at a rather upscale Chinese restaurant (Michael would reimburse him in alcohol after, he promised) and it was busy enough that each visit from the waitress was far between. According to his watch it had been an hour and a half, but according to his subjective experience, three months.
“I guess so” Charlie said, with the same intentionally forced-looking smile he wore when replying to her, and dropped right after. The goal was that they would get along, after long years of working together. Obvious analogies to Israel/Palestine etc.
“Here are your cookies” Charlie guessed was said as the tray was placed down as he politely smiled and quickly thanked her, grapping the tray the moment it was out of the waitress’s tiny hand. At the same time he also lifted his right ass cheek enough to grab his wallet from his back jean pocket.
“Wait! We have to open the fortune cookies before we pay the check!” she said, smiling brightly, causing intense pain in Charlie’s gut.
He bit his tongue, smiling in such a way that a baby would begin crying if one just so happened to be present. He ripped the plastic package of the cookie open, cracked the cookie in half, pulled out the sliver of paper, and shoved the entire cookie into his mouth (sans the paper, of course, he wasn’t trying to be completely maniacal in front of Stephanie).
Her smile went just shy of shit-eating to just above polite. She had, what seemed like Charlie, a unique ability to keep an irritating happy demeanor no matter what. He couldn’t imagine the litany of mental problems that Michael must suffer from to be able to (or look forward to, for Christ’s sake!) spend time with someone so insufferably…. smiling.
He noticed he was squinting his eyes sharply at her, which was probably a faux pas, so he quickly looked at his fortune cookie instead.
“Lucky numers (sic): 14, 14, 14, 14, 14”
Huh, he thought.
Under that:
“Chinese word of day (sic, again. An exceptionally crappy company they must buy these from): Valentine’s Day, Valentine' s天”
Charlie once again squinted his eyes sharply in disbelief this time, instead of hatred. He shook his head as he flipped the paper over. He actually couldn’t wait to see what the fortune was. Past highlights of fortunes include: “Today is a good day!”.
It read, in stark contrast to the poor English of the reverse side:
"Your life is in danger. Say nothing to anyone. You must leave the city immediately and never return. Repeat: say nothing."
“What does yours say Chuck?” Stephanie beamed.
But Charlie, even after the rage trigger word “Chuck” had been spoken by Stephanie, was too stunned to reply. He rubbed his forehead, over and over again, just staring at the words. He looked up for the waitress or any of the staff that might have been watching, or might have set up this elaborate ruse. Nothing.
He realized his mouth was wide open.
“Is yours really that stupid?” Stephanie asked with a giggle. “Mine says, get this, it says: You will find loves in most mysterious and strange place!” She giggled again. “Can you believe that Chuck? But I already found love! These should be called, like, ‘Pastion Cookies!’”
Even “Pastion Cookies” failed to elicit any emotion from Charlie.
(I mean, really, what do you do in this kind of situation? If you follow the instructions and just get up and leave, and it ends up being a joke [which is surely must be], you look like a gullible fool. Right in front of your mortal enemy as well! Nothing could be worse than that, even death.
But, then, what if it is somehow serious?)
He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He put the slip of paper on the table, and finished his drink in three large gulps. His heart was pounding but he didn’t feel adrenaline. Just shock, confusion. Despite the eternal struggle, it looked remarkably normal from the outside. Just rude, but that was pretty normal for Charlie. He stood, grabbed his wallet from the table, and pulled out two twenties and placed them on top of the check. He grabbed his jacket that was hanging on the chair’s back and slid it on.
“Well, bye, I guess!” Stephanie said, standing up after him.
Charlie nodded. This was when Stephanie noticed the grim look on Charlie’s face. She had never seen his face so wrinkled. It would have been quite some victory for Stephanie if she had any idea they were supposed to be enemies. Instead, she placed her hand on his shoulder and asked, sincerely, “Are you ok Chu-, Charlie?”.
The sincerity stunned Charlie again. He just looked back at the table and pointed at the scrap of paper as he broke free of her hand and walked toward the exit.
As soon as he pushed the door open and felt the briskly cold stream of air hit his face, he heard “Wait! Charlie!” downwind.
He stepped outside, but, as he knew she was coming up right behind him, he had a moral choice. His finger tips held the door behind him. He knew he couldn’t let go of the door right in her face after she had touched him in such a, well, human way, was the only way he could describe it. He held the door as she rushed out to face him. Her face was closer to his than it had ever been, and he couldn’t even recoil as he normally would when anyone invaded his personal space.
“Charlie, you don’t have to leave town just cause some cookie told you to!”
Charlie closed his eyes and just shrugged, his head lowering before he opened his eyes again.
“Charlie, this is crazy!” She yelled as he walked toward the sidewalk, waiting for a taxi to pull up. He raised an arm, his head still down, avoiding contact with the only person who would know why he had disappeared.
“I mean, seriously, you are leaving because of a cookie! What do you think, there is some cookie god that will strike you down? That some gang planted the cookie for you to get to get rid of you?” A sudden look of epiphany flashed across her face. “My God Charlie, have you gotten mixed up in like, the Yakuza?”
Charlie laughed softly and shortly, in spite of himself. A taxi pulled up and he got in without looking back at Stephanie. He quickly buckled his seat belt.
“Where to?” asked the taxi driver.
Charlie opened his mouth to speak, and then promptly unbuckled his belt and opened the taxi door, and stepped out.Stephanie was still standing there as Charlie stepped back onto the sidewalk.
Leave immediately, he seemed to remember reading. But the no talking seemed to make it impossible. Though he wasn’t sure how this was supposed to work, or what exactly threatened his life. Damn vague fortune cookie. Though, all fortune cookies are vague as a rule.
What else did that cookie say, he was trying to recall. 14, 14, 14 a bunch of times and Valentine’s day in Chinese. Neither of those were helpful. But what about Stephanie’s cookie? The one about falling in love?
If hers came true, he reasoned, his must be true as well.
[OUTSIDE OF STORY: I can't delete this stupid fucking line, ignore it for the stories sake. It was created to separate the thoroughly incomplete ending (when he steps out of the cab, with this new ending)]
“Charlie?” Stephanie said as he looked into her eyes for the first time she could recall. She began to shake. He got within her personal space this time, and kept staring into her eyes.
She closed her eyes and tilted her head.
He was doomed. He reared his head back before the kiss connected.
“What… what is it Charlie?” She asked, lovingly. “Is it that cookie? I’ll come with you wherever you go! You don’t even have to ask, I just realized, well, that I think…” She looked down, “That I love you! That I always have!”
Her smile widened when the next thought entered her mind.
“Turns out the Pastion Cookie was a fortune cookie after all, I did find love in the strangest of places!”
For the first time since receiving the reality shattering fortune, Charlie lowered his shoulders and felt from his stomach a deep and resonating laugh.
Stephanie’s smile finally disappeared. People walking down the street stopped and starred. But Charlie couldn’t stop laughing. He was slapping his knee and coughing as he turned toward the street he knew would lead him away from this town.
At least he had finally bested his mortal enemy. And like a true hero, he would walk off into the sunset. Unlike a true hero, it was because a cookie told him to.
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